Overcoming Victim Mentalities

“Woe is me!”

“Everything and everyone is against me!”

“Why me?”

We all have had moments or seasons where we can relate to the above. It is easy to look at our circumstances (especially in light of what we consider “ideal” or what our hopes/expectations are) and feel sorry for ourselves. It is easy to fall into a “victim mentality.” In fact this seems to be a plague that is “plaguing” (weighing down) many right now. I say plague because it is not healthy to remain in a state of constantly feeling sorry for ourselves and looking to have that continually fueled by others and fed by others. In fact we have to be careful that in our compassion we are not the one’s feeding and fueling this mindset in each other. One reason “victim mentalities” persist is because of well-meaning but misguided people who continue to feed and fuel it! That is not to say we ought to be insensitive to others pain, but we have to be careful to discern the root cause of the “storms” people are facing or that we may be in and address any wrong thinking/twisted thinking/feelings that don’t line up with the truth.

For example…it’s vital to discern whether the “storms” we are in are because of being righteous like Job or disobedient like “Jonah.” In Jonah’s case God sent the storm because of his disobedience. In Job’s case God allowed a storm because of Job’s faithfulness and to test (prove) his faithfulness. In Jonah’s case he needed to repent; in Job’s case He needed to endure.

The two couldn’t be more different. So if we confuse the two and think we are a “Job” when we are a “Jonah”…we will only prolong the “darkness” and our deception. Likewise, if we are actually a “Job” (or Joseph is another example) but think we are a “Jonah”, we will magnify our own pain by beating ourselves up and carrying around false guilt, when the Word of God is merely testing us (proving us to be true) and refining us (see Psalm 105:17 & 1 Peter 1:6-8, Hebrews 12:3-13).

Let me repeat the above but putting it in a slightly different way: if we fail to rightly discern the cause of the storm, our response will be terribly misguided. Two different people can be going through a similar storm but for two very different reasons and therefore their response should be very different.

For example: A storm due to disobedience requires repentance and a cry for mercy (with a willingness to obey); while a storm like Job’s requires steadfast faithfulness despite the circumstances. Job 1:21-22 records Job, in fact, responding this way: “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” It’s interesting to point out by the way, that later when Job’s friends come, they “diagnosis” the cause of the “storm” incorrectly. They think it’s because of Job’s unfaithfulness rather than faithfulness! How backwards we can be in our diagnosis and response!

In fact this can work both ways. If think we are a “Job” when we are actually a “Jonah”, we will only continue on a path of destruction and deception…and sadly the storm we are responsible for doesn’t just affect us but those around us and especially those closest to us. But if we think we are a “Jonah” when we are a “Job” the enemy’s accusations and condemnation will paralyze and cripple. Failing to discern rightly will turn God into the enemy and the enemy into “God!” So easily can we deceive ourselves or be deceived by the enemy’s lies! Discernment is essential and honesty is crucial!

Now…before we go on…I have to be honest. I have found over the years, at least in my personal experience and context, many who think they are “Job’s” are in reality “Jonah’s.” Many are not suffering because of their righteousness…but because they are running from wholehearted obedience to God. Many who are good at talking the talk are not actually walking the walk. They are “Saul’s” (see 1 Samuel 15) not “David’s” (see 1 Samuel 16) but in their own minds they are deluded and project an image of themselves to others that is more spiritual than what they actually are. They put on a big show of false humility to try to convey to others how “spiritual” they are and that they are “praising God” despite all they are going through or “suffering” when really it’s a storm of their own making that they are failing to truly deal with. Deep down however, (and when alone and quiet) most in this place know this to be true, yet they still do not truly repent, but rather remain stubborn and look for sympathy and attention from others. For many disobedience is the real or root issue and their need is repentance but their stubbornness (and our sympathy) is getting in the way and prolonging the storms (and their own deception). Unfortunately, many times even (or sometimes especially) Christians, out of a sincere and compassionate heart, (yet misguided and without discernment) are feeding those in that place the attention they want that only fuels their deception and plays right into their “pity party” “victim mentality.”

Instead of consoling we sometimes need to confront. Like the sailors in the story of Jonah we can find ourselves resisting and fighting against God, rather than co-operating with Him by dealing with “Jonah.” It may sound harsh, especially for someone operating in a victim mentality (who does not want to face the truth and confront their thinking and ways and sin) and also to those who have a misguided understanding of “compassion”…but sometimes we need to not only confront but cut off. On the boat Jonah acknowledged he was responsible for the storm, but it wasn’t until he was thrown overboard and was in the belly of the whale that he cried out to God for mercy. There is a big difference. Admitting you’re at fault is only the first step and not all there is to repentance or even evidence of true repentance.  For example, when I played baseball I would really beat myself up when I made an error. It was to the point that it was excessive and I would hit myself and kick dirt and apologize again and again. What was I really doing? I was looking for attention and sympathy. But in doing so I was actually taking myself out of the rest of the game. I could not focus on the present because I was wallowing in feeling sorry for myself. There are those who both want to ignore their past completely or wallow in their mistakes to garner sympathy. Both are extremes to be avoided.

The next step after acknowledging our disobedience, is repenting and asking God for mercy, with a willingness to obey. For some like Jonah, it takes the “darkness” and “hopelessness” of being “alone” in the belly of a beast to get to this place. This was actually God’s mercy, because I think Jonah thought he was going to die. The men tried to prevent having to throw Jonah overboard but eventually realized it was in vain because they were fighting against God by not doing so. Understand that we can actually interfere with what God is doing in people’s lives by trying to be “compassionate.”

That’s the first scenario that many with a “victim mentality” are in. They are in reality, not true victims, rather they are experiencing the consequences of their own decisions and disobedience. Galatians 6:7-9 says: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

Now, on the other hand, like Job, (and like the disciples who got caught in a storm that threatened their lives, simply because they were following Jesus and He was in the same boat as them) we too because of obedience and faithfulness to the Lord can encounter some nasty storms. These storms test our faith in God’s faithfulness. The prescription is quiet trust and endurance. The disciples had the opposite reaction (see Mark 4:35-41): they panicked and waking Jesus up they completely questioned His love for them saying to Him “Don’t you care if we drown?” If you read that story you will notice that Jesus rebuked more than just the storm…He rebuked them for their lack of faith! Likewise as Job teetered on challenging God in regard to His justice, God challenged Him in regard to who He was! (see Job 38-42). Interestingly, God never answered Job’s “why” question. Rather He put things back into perspective in light of who He is. What you and I need when we are feeling sorry for ourselves is not answers but to stand in awe of who God is and let Him calm the storm as we cry out to Him. Here again, our feelings and thoughts don’t always line up with the facts and truth.

For example…Elijah. After an intense confrontation and awesome victory on Mount Carmel with the false prophets of Baal, where fire and rain falls from heaven through Elijah’s intercession; right after this revival breaking out, Elijah has a meltdown. When he hears that Queen Jezebel has put out a death warrant on his life, he runs in fear. (The same man who faced down 450 false prophets and the king; cowers in fear at the threat of one woman! How quickly we can go from being “bold and courageous” to being “intimidated and cowardly!” ) He finally collapses under a tree and in despair and depression prays that God would take his life, saying “I have had enough Lord!” (1 Kings 19). However, Elijah is woken up and given food that supernaturally sustains him and by which he travels forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mountain of God. God begins to draw him out and speak to Him and we find out that Elijah is discouraged thinking that all the Israelites have become unfaithful to the Lord, that all the true prophets have been killed and now they are after him, and he is the only faithful one remaining. While it is true most of the Israelites had broken the covenant and most were unfaithful it was not true that all were unfaithful and he was the only faithful one left. His perspective was skewed. One of the things God reminds him of is that he is not the only one left…God tells him there is a remnant…in fact 7,000 others who have not compromised and bowed the knee to Baal! In other words God tells Elijah, “You’re not alone or the only one.” He also tells him He is not finished with him yet, that he has a mission for him, which in essence is saying to Elijah: “you’re not going to be killed.” What Elijah thought and felt was real to him…was not true in reality! You too may be thinking some things, believing some things and feeling a certain way and that is all very real…but that doesn’t mean it is actually true! Perception may be your reality, but that doesn’t mean it is truly the real reality!

Here is one more example. In Genesis 42, Joseph has sent his brothers back to their father. He has not yet revealed himself to them, because he wanted Benjamin to be there when he did. Thus, he sent them back with some provisions, to bring Benjamin, while Simeon was kept in Egypt. Keep in mind that Joseph’s father Jacob all these years thought Joseph had been killed by a wild animal and doesn’t realize he is alive. When his sons come back and a pouch of silver is found in their sacks, (which would make it appear they had stolen it), Jacob is beside himself and feels that not only has he lost one son, but now is going to lose two more in retribution: Simeon and Benjamin. He then makes this statement of exasperation in Genesis 42:36: “All these things are against me.” Or the NIV puts it this way: “Everything is against me!” By all appearances it would seem that way. Maybe you feel the same way. You look at your life and circumstances and say the same thing in exasperation. Everything seems and feels to be against you.

What Jacob doesn’t realize however is that actually behind the scenes….in ways he didn’t see or realize…God was actually working all these things out for Him! We know the end of the story (or can skip to the end of the story and read it first) and we are able to read it in a matter of an hour or less.

But we don’t have that advantage in regard to our lives. That’s not how our life works.

But we do have the promises of God! Promises such as: Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Or if you go a little further in that same chapter we are told in verses 31-38: “What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died — more than that, who was raised to life — is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

So there we see clearly that we are not a victim…but a victor (or can be!) through the one who has risen from the dead victorious!

(For more dealing with this subject check out a prior blog post written in August 2013 titled: “Victim or Victor?”).

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.